Love Bombing?

Okay. I’m going to define this to the best of how I’ve heard about it or how it’s been presented to me.

It seems like “love bombing” happens when affection and adoration are weapons used with negative intentions. If that’s the case, then obviously this phenomenon is wrong and should be resisted at all costs. It’s like the quote in the movie “Green Mile,” where John Coffee described an enemy:

“He kills them with their love. With their love for each other. That’s how it is, every day, all over the world.”

Adoration and affection should not be weapons of ill intention or domination, or manipulation.

Who doesn’t agree?

But…

What if, just what if…you are simply overwhelmingly into someone, so much so, that you can’t help it?

Or what if someone is overwhelmingly into you and can’t help it?

Now, in both cases, neither you nor they has ill intentions. Even if they are not into you or you are not into them in the same way, you could gently or politely tell them or be told that the feelings aren’t mutual. And you or they would be fine with that.

Now imagine this:

What if you AND someone else “love bomb” each other?
Meaning the overwhelming connection and attraction are mutual?

Is that “love bombing?”

I think the thing to consider is a negative assumption about good things in relationships.
This is what I mean.

We talk about “limerance” or “infatuation” or “honeymoon phases,” each of which assumes a false state of a relationship. In other words, when things are good, it’s not “real” or won’t “last” until “reality kicks in,” meaning boredom, little to no sex, annoyances, etc.

Why?
Why is this “reality” when it comes to intimacy?

Yes, “getting to know someone” through the so-called “four seasons of life” is wise. Experiencing the ups and downs, highs and lows, seeing each other with family and friends, and being stressed out…all of this is wise–if we assume that none of these really are the issue.

Time isn’t really the issue, but how the couple navigates time and the four seasons, and stress.

In other words, I emphasize with couples that relationship skills determine happy relationships, whether you are in the “honeymoon phase” or after the “7-year itch,” or “midlife crisis,” or “the golden years,” or whatever.

In fact, I’d advise you to consider that practicing effective communication and conflict resolution when things are going well is likely the wisest thing couples can do. I have couples practice their skills using “cold topics,” meaning easy things to discuss. Because you don’t practice a fire drill during a fire, but when there is no fire. In the same way, you don’t practice effective communication at 3 in the morning when you both have little to no bandwidth. (You go to bed.)

Do you see what I mean?

Apply what I’m saying to the “honeymoon phase.”

While couples are starry-eyed lovers, this is the best time to practice the skills they’ll need when “reality kicks in.” Think about it. How long would you say “the honeymoon phase” lasts? 3 months? 6 months? Most people say the first year.

Now.

According to change research, it typically takes between 66 to 90 days to make a permanent change in your life. And after 180 days of a change goal, the habit becomes a part of who you are–you are in the “maintenance” stage of change.

So.

If you use the honeymoon phase, which lasts about a year, to practice effective communication and conflict resolution for 66 to 90 days…and…if you keep it going for 180 days or more…by the end of the 1st year, you’ll have established a good habit that is just a part of how your relationship dynamic is. Say all the butterflies in your stomachs have flown away. Fine. You’ll still be in the habit of effectively communicating and resolving conflict. Say life changes and there are new circumstances that are stressful. So be it. You’ve practiced the skills that are most needed when times are stressful…just like someone who habitually “stops, drops, and rolls” in a fire drill will do these three things when they really need to do it—in a fire.

So.

Resist love and adoration as weapons. But embrace intense love, adoration, and affection…because it’s rare to experience this from someone. It’s a gift that should not automatically make you “cautious.”

But how can you know the difference between “healthy vs unhealthy ‘love bombing ’?”

First, just knowing that there IS a difference.

In other words, for most things, there is a healthy and unhealthy version of it. If “love bombing” is automatically viewed as bad, then you won’t be ready for someone who is just really into you.

So, know the difference between healthy and unhealthy love bombing, as well as healthy and unhealthy everything.

Second, and perhaps this ties to the first thing…autonomy is key.

Being free is key.

Freedom is crucial and necessary for ANY and EVERY relationship that is healthy.

If the “lovebombing” takes away your freedom, then it’s the bad kind.

Meaning, if you don’t consent, or you want things to go slower, or whatever, if it’s healthy, the love bomber will have no problem whatsoever slowing down. And it won’t feel weird or bad to you. You’ll appreciate the intensity of their attraction to you, but it won’t have a negative impact on you.

Negative impacts could be:

• You don’t like it, or it’s overwhelming in a bad way.
• You do like it, but your intuition is telling you to be careful.

Positive impacts are, of course, the opposite of those two. To elaborate more, when lovebombing is positive, it is clarifying, freeing, and validating. To be loved or adored in a healthy way gives you confidence, makes your work go better, relieves you, and satisfies you. It makes you and your life better. It’s heavenly, but in a way that makes life heavenly. In other words, if a relationship is healthy–even if there is lovebombing–it makes your other relationships and activities better. You get closer to family, friends, and coworkers. Your work performance is enhanced. You become more of who you are.

Love bombing can be something you enjoy receiving and giving.
Resist the bad or unhealthy. But embrace the good and healthy.