Dangerously Therapized Words

I heard a comedian say she wanted to be “therapized.”

It was funny to me…and I love the verb. Therapized. 🙂

There are words and concepts that I think have been therapized dangerously in therapy.

I want to just go through the list of each of these words and give the healthy alternatives.

These are in no particular order …well, perhaps they will be, though I don’t do so intentionally.

I FEEL LIKE…

The word “feel” is used so often, yet ironically, it isn’t used emotionally.

For example, “I feel like you always interrupt me and never let me finish a sentence.”

Do you see how a feeling or an emotion was described at all?

Feelings can be basically classified in 4 categories: MAD, GLAD, SAD, AFRAID.
And of course, variations on these 4 words–annoyed, happy, depressed, anxious, etc.

Now look again at the sentence above. Are any emotions being shared?

Now what could’ve been said would be something like, “When you interrupt me, I FEEL angry.” Do you see the significance of the difference? The original sentence is about an action–interruption–and not an emotion–anger.

This is so prevalent. Test it out yourself. See how often you say, “I feel,” when you’re really saying, “I think.”

This is a dangerously therapized word because there is the unhelpful belief that all “feelings” are “valid.” But what if you aren’t actually expressing a feeling? If someone responded to the original sentence and said that they actually don’t “always” interrupt or “never” let the person finish, one typical response is, “Well, that’s just how I feel. Don’t invalidate my feelings.”

Which leads to the next therapized word.

DEFENSIVE

In the illustration above, if a person denies that they “always” or “never” do something, the next thing that is typically said is “Why are you being so defensive?” Notice the two traps. First, a feeling was not being communicated–an accusation was. Next, the accused has no choice but to agree–that is, if “feelings” can’t be “invalidated.” So it creates an impasse.

But the 2nd suggested sentence above leaves room for discussion–the two people in this situation can talk about interruptions. The interrupted person can express a need or a boundary. The interrupter can discuss how to meet this need or respect this boundary, especially since interruptions make the interrupted person angry.

So the healthy version of these therapized words would be: 1. To focus on actual feeling words, and to describe how you feel when something is said or done. And 2. Based on this, to acknowledge that there is healthy and unhealthy defensiveness. That’s right. Sometimes it is healthy to defend yourself. We all know this on the physical level. If someone is trying to punch you, it’s healthy to dodge, duck, or even strike the person back if you must do that to protect your life. The person trying to punch wouldn’t be right to say, “Why are you being so defensive?” In the same way, in a relationship, if someone is “punching” you with their words–meaning saying things that are indeed harmful, you can defend yourself by setting a boundary and addressing the hurtful words. Or, you can also offer a healthy “defense” if there is a misunderstanding. For example, if my wife calls and I don’t answer, and she says, “Since you were ignoring me earlier, I feel very annoyed with you.” But what if I didn’t get her call because my battery had died? Then I can offer a “defense” in terms of clarifying what actually happened. I can say, “I’m sorry you couldn’t reach me earlier; I actually wasn’t ignoring you, my battery died.” In a healthy situation, my explanation would be trusted and accepted.

But if not, this is where couples actually do the next therapized word.

GASLIGHTING

If I’m offering my wife a healthy “defense” about my phone dying, and she says, “Why are you being so defensive? All I said was how annoyed I felt that you ignored me. That’s all I said. I have a right to my feelings and my opinion.” Do you see the danger–and how this is actually “gaslighting?” I don’t use this word unless I absolutely must because it is overly used and therapized. In this situation, my wife would be “gaslighting” me because she would be creating a false reality, or making it seem as if my “defense” is unwarranted. Yet gaslighting isn’t as typical or pervasive as the therapized word makes it seem. Neither is a word often connected to it.

DISMISSIVE

Often, there is a claim that someone is being “dismissive,” typically of someone’s “feelings.” I can’t tell you how often I hear the words “dismissive”, “defensive”, and “I feel like…” Somehow, it seems like many couples have been given a script in which they “FEEL…”

● Attacked
● Dismissed
● Gaslit

And if the partner disagrees and says they weren’t attacking, dismissing, or gaslighting, then that partner is being “defensive.” The last “feeling” that I’ll address in dangerous therapized words is when a partner “feels” like something is…

TRANSACTIONAL

This one may very well bother me the most as a marriage and family therapist because it can be the most subtle and deceptive in terms of how relationships actually work. And how do relationships actually work in relation to this word? Relationships are by definition transactions. Let’s really, really think about this.

A transaction is when there is an expectation of reciprocity–give and take, action and reaction, cause and effect. No relationship, at least no healthy relationship, is completely one-sided. This is one of the best examples I can give: a hug. My wife hugs me, and I stand stiff and still, arms at my side, and she says, “Hey, why aren’t you hugging me back?” What if I said, “Oh, so your hug is transactional. You’re only hugging me because you want me to hug you back.” Do you see the ridiculousness of my statement? Of course, she wants me to hug her back. Hugs are transactions. She hugs me because she wants me to hug her back. She kisses me because she wants me to kiss her back–instead of me being stiff-lipped.

This dangerously therapized word causes so many unnecessary problems when I’m dealing with couples. And I’d dare say all of the therapized words have one united common theme, one that really concerns me most in couples therapy.

CONTEMPT

From John Gottman’s 4 Horsemen, which describes 4 things that destroy marriages, the 4th horseman–contempt–is the highest predictor of divorce, which, according to Gottman, destroys 90% of relationships. It assumes negative intention and creates opposition through name-calling and deliberately hurtful behavior. I’m not necessarily saying that each of the therapized words are contemptuous. I am saying there is an assumption of negative intention in each of the words, which can lead to contempt. There is an underlying assumption of enmity between couples, which, in my opinion, results in the therapized words. These words are not typically used between close or best friends. Think about it. If you watch any show about couples, at some point, one of these words tends to show up–but they don’t tend to show up in shows about friendships.

What does this say about these dangerously therapized words, and how can you avoid them?

I think what it says about the words IS how you avoid them: It says that you should avoid seeing your partner as your enemy.

I would say to ask yourself these questions:

● Would I say this to my best friend?
● Would my best friend say this to me?

Test it out.

Think of your past or present good friendships. Or think about when friendship went bad. Now think about your romantic relationships, and if these therapized words inevitably showed up.

I believe these words show up when friendships go bad, or as assumptions of negative intentions in romantic relationships. But you can avoid these words in friendships and romantic relationships by refusing to act as if the person is your enemy. Because if they really are your enemy, then you can’t have a relationship that is healthy. Enemies don’t WANT to effectively communicate or resolve conflict. They want to win, or hurt, or withdraw.

True friends and romantic partners are NOT enemies. Remembering this will keep you from using the dangerously therapized words.